Cant breath in this relationship

It's been a year since the incident happened.

I started to recall what made me came back for him.

With a tired heart and mind I'm not so motivated anymore to value my love for him. Whatever he say, I'm selfish I'm no sincerity I'm stupid I'm useless I'm not doing anything.... Please.... my heart had enough cracks caused by his words and accuses I really cant see my value in his heart. What am I in his eyes?

Is all man in this world having this kind of stupid ego and tend to look down on women? I'm losing faith in man after going through all these incidents. In this world there's no man worth to love, all are three minutes sincerity. I rather stay single.

Sorry gals for telling sad story everytime I blog. I spended whole day doing things to keep myself occuspied but tears just dont listen to me, they flood my pillow since morning, afternoon, night... Dont even want to answer his call, I'm too disappointed with his attitute. And think of the days spended with him, it was always tears than happiness. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? What is happening between us????

I wonder why I wanted to put so much effort to make it happen no wonder how much bitter tears I swollow. In the beginning I take it as a punishment for myself, but now, it was all unfair for me to accept all his unreasonable temper. I'm not his lover anymore, just a girl who willing to stay to show how much I could sacrifice and give. He said he loves me, buying expensive things, flowers..... But what I need the most is appreciation, care, support, forgiveness, recognization!!! Not scolding, showing inpatient face, unbeatable face.... my heart totally broke on the spot!!!

The history is just rolling and rolling. He just being himself, never change after so many years. What should I ask for? Sometimes I thought wanted to give up thinking that we are just too distinct from each other that things we wanted in life are totally different and cant share the same journey.... I denied it, love can make it happen. I believed, but now I'm asking God again.... is my love big enough to continue this tears consuming battle?

Lonelyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Sometimes we feel very lonely for no reason.

No matter how much love he is giving. No matter what your friends did for you, just..... cant help with the emptiness in the heart.

Have your ever have this feeling?

Just wanna spend a night watching super old british movie alone in the room. Or sitting at the park watching sun set, although you dont really have the mood to value the beauty. Just, suddenly lost the passion to have interest to anything, or anyone. A body walking without soul, looking for the spirit that had been missing while chasing life.

Emotion sickness... I guess. Felt like artist... hee heee, stupid huh? wakakakaka... this is why we need to do stupid blog, somehow will inspired by some silly idea and laugh again :) Come la gal, blog to cure ur mental sickness!

Let your brain goes blank

Another day comes to an end. Now already 9:45pm feeling sleepy and just wanna stick to the bed BIGLY (in chinese, da = big) and mindfluxing....

He felt jealous looking at other guy's profile on the screen in front of me. I'm tired and wordless to explain anything. Without saying much he walked away silently togehter with his grumpy face. Hoping I could say something just to make the air tense, yet my lips were so heavy to move.

Came back from swimming but the headache also came back soon after I settle down. Very stressful these days, and felt unsatisfied with my colleagues. Why I am doing all the hard work while he's just enjoying the results and making people think all comes because of him. Ya, I have funny feelings everytimes he asked me to do this do that go here go there say this say that.... then he go yam cha while I'm running up and down!!! Bu gi Ma!!! Wahahaha, I found myself very garang.

Yes, pei shan u r right that sports really help a lot in releasing the stress, especially those root from work, family or relationship. I was singing Alvin n Chipmunks songs in stupid tones, screaming in the car seeing a branch at the roadside laugh out loud with silly thoughts.....

Must plan for a fantastic weekend to release stress!!!!

Evil evil evil

Was walking alone in Midvalley, no purpose but just killing time as not feeling like go back home.

Ideas crossed my mind, asking friends out for dinner, inviting colleague for movie, buying clothes, buy and straigth away change my working attire to casual baju... Yes, no doubt I was tooooooooooooooooooooooo bored!!!!



working working working..... ya.... and now what?



I believe I'm not the only one having this feeling especially after settled down. The meaning of living is keep running and turning I guess, if you stop, everything became so boring and you have no power to fight. I mean I am. I need redbull, tongkat Ali kacip fatimah, vigra, pannadol.... May be estacy huh, fat fat ;)



This is the most critical time, well, i mean most dangerous.... normally will do things without brain, something will regret.



To be honest, each time I felt moody the picture of SMOKING often was the first appeared. I dunno why, it is a temptation from evil although I never been really has the habit. Whenever I am weak I have no strength I felt like smoking. It's stupid but.... haha I felt like going clubbing though! I must be in high fever I'm so lost so sick of stressful life sick of bore life.....!!!!!!!!

I think I need Jesus....



My mind started going wild, wanna go party wanna laugh loud wanna go crazy and lost control.

Lets talk about him

It seemed simple in a man and woman relationship. Man needs woman and woman needs man, that's why we are together.



But what if one day the woman realize that she can be independant and can live with or without that man? Or in one fine day your man suddenly tell you in a light tone he dont need you anymore?



Then we think, if we dont need each other what the hell we were being together for so long?



People change, and now he had changed. The sweetest face ever smiling beside you now walking away from you, the softest hand ever is no longer holding yours... You shed no tears, but fear. Work walk talk shop eat sleep like nothing had happen... you are reminding yourself to be strong, and think there's nothing can defeat us. Yet your heart trembled with loneliness in the dark, and wonder why you could ever sleep peacefully.



Regrets, anger, disappoinment... you name it. The most terrible effect is not sad or sorrow but the lost of passion in life, the faith in people the trust in who we love. Looking at people around, colleagues, friends, relatives, siblings, parents... when you walk by them did you ever feel any sense of belonging? Could you affort to reveal every sinlge little drop of your heart say to a person?



Human being is the most lonely specious in the world.



We once thought we are the most intelligent, but why we all trap in this endless rain?

death flowers

I like death plants, especially roses in dark blood color. And has been keeping them in my room for years, since the day I received. My first rose in my life, how could I forget the person and the romance he gave?

Yeah, it's an art looking at the beauty of the death. May be that's the hidden karma osome sort of phylosophy telling why women love their man buying roses. Beautiful but short-lived. Isn't that telling what is all about the relationship?

But few days ago heard from a friend about room feng shui. This is very interesting... Are you keeping any living or death organism in your room? Fishes swimming in the aquarium, tortoise crawling under the bed, cactus on your study desk, death roses hanging at the window? Well, if your answer is YES.... I am telling you: U. R. IN . TROUBLE !!!!!


Scary huh ;)

These kind of plants or animals will harm the feng shui in your room, no matter they are alive or death. Are you finding your family were living in an environment with non stop battle of fight and arguement? Is you boyfren or galfren always stand in a opposite view and argue with each other? According to the believe it will cause harm to the harmony in a family or couple.

Well, I strongly believe this is the reason why I'm living in such a war. I'm actualy having double triple or I can say is thousand times worst than this. And now I finally know WHY!!!! Not only I keep death roses, but also death cones, seeds from tree. Furthermore, my dogs always comes in my room and sleep!!! And sometimes in the night I slap some mosquitos while they were sucking my blood and never think of where their death body were!!! OMG!!! They are haunting me as ghost mosquito!!! I cant imagine those what happen to those death ants death spiders death spider eggs that hiding beneath my bed.... I felt horrible.

Hahaha, it's funny. Yet I still believe.

It is much more easier to blame the death flowers than thinking in the night why we always argue, why we have no peace living under the same shield. It is all the flowers fault!!! So we dont need to change, just one simple step can save us: THROW IT!!!

or throw your boyfren will do ;)