Burnig heart in ssilent nights

My heart never been feeling easy since I ran away from home. There's too much I think about and there's none could come to conclusion and not even to mention action. But a very direct and simple message emerged from my heart; that I hate myself so much for running away and cant do anything about it. Coward, irresposible, selfish.... great sense of guilt arouse me from time to time. My cry progressed to scream in my car that day, wondering how could my heart is so timid and empty and sad while my head was hanging in the clouds looking at my new car my career my lifestyle which all seemed perfect. I blame myself to let mom fighting the battle alone, and I even angry at her for requesting that small little tiny f'cking fifty bucks. She looked stupid doing all the act and making excuse just aiming the fifty bucks..... to give it to him! Him, a damn good son who was so king to excite his brother sister mother father neighbour in the middle of the night with a non stop heavy metal bar hitting concrete ground super bass new age music. I nearly jump out from the window to run away from this crazy HOME. Money money money money is allllllllll he want!

I pity him once and for few times I tried to understand why he becoming worse and worse. An abandon adult who being pissed off by his whole family, no one would listen to what he say, no one would answer him with sincerity, and we are not even have a glance of him. An imbalance emotion is totally understood, as there's no one like to feel being neglected and useless. He needs supports especially from the family to stand straight again in the society, at least get a job and see what he can gain from his talent and effort. A beautiful bubble, breaks !!! Hooray!!!

Live with it, Let it go, Solve it.... thinking of what should I do... quite disturb by those emotions when think of how he continuously forcing mom and ho mom also being his puppet to threathen dad for money all the tricks and dramatic scene could really compete with those Hong Kong drama Zhu Guong Bou Hei / Tong Sam Fung Bou.

Steel my heart not to sympathy mom for what she is doing, she is really really very super wrong, no matter what's the reason. Her love is blind for his son but didn't realize his torn is hurting us. I'm sad that she allow it. She breaks my heart. And I decided to break hers too.