Sunday morning 6/6/2010

Feeling extremely blue and a helpless in getting over the devastating moody poison.

Was staying at home going no where, initially was trying to figure out places to hang out but end up clueless. Sick of engaging with FB, youtube or any of the updates or news in the internet i just cant stand a minute sitting in front of the laptop! Here comes the frustration when i'm tired of online but no choice that's the activity i could only think of! I feel lazy, no energy, no courage, no passion, and no mood to do anything!

It has been a week he's away. Every night rushing back to home to chat online with him became the most important routine that i want to do. I miss him i wan to hear from him and i don't like to hang out late out there worrying he might be waiting.

I'm trying to find out where's the poison comes from.

I feel very lonely.

There more i believe in it the more lonely i am, especially when i relate everythings to how i was being left alone when i need help the most, just like this morning. I still quite sad i was getting into voice mail when calling dad and bro for help when i was a bit trembling to drive to police station for report. I cant blame them but i have no one else to call. In the car i prayed to GOD to calm me down so i can figure out what to do.

Somehow i feel like I should learn more about GOD to be closer to him, as he's the only one i could rely on when i needed the most. He has no body, no face, no shadow... Religion still sound more like a story or history to me. I'm still trying to really understand the word BELIEVE. Believe in family, believe in career, believe in religion, even believe in myself.

My "moodiness" was found trasnmitted to my dog. She also hide beneath the car whole morning.

God bless me n my dog.

I should restart with a new mood ;)

----------signing out--------------

Precious Gift

I miss him.
The way he remind me on the herb drink over and over again while playng cards with his family in his house, the way he puts food into my mouth like i'm his pet, the way he concern about the bruises on my leg by counting how many of them, the way he complaining how torturing it was to wake up without me by his side...
I was touched by all these little lovely moments that made my heart smile quitely inside.
The way he cut open the dim sum for me when he found out the one he's eating is too hot. I have to admit that i really impressed with his way of expressing his love, in every little things he do. No flower no fine dining no expensive gifts, but we just enjoy dancing bare foot on the grass with the handphone do the singing, sitting on the bench to feel the sweet breeze, walked thriough whole megamall without buying anything but happily chatting along the way without feeling tired...
It just too beautiful to remember those scent that as romantic as roses while the heart melted knowing someone is seriously taking you in his life.
I still remember the moment i was terrified realising my mineral water had been open when it was just few minutes newly bought. Can't resist to give him a kiss by knowing it was him untighten the cap for me.
Thank God for sending me such a precious gift. He's the best i ever received. Thanks for the bless.

rubbish FEELINGs

I had been pulling up myself from sinking quite well. The only tears falling moments were those times i'm sitting alone doing nothing. The worst, the moments driving to work and driving back home... I said i'm now living in heaven and hell at the same time, as i wonder am i getting nuts with those unnecessary stupid feelings spinning in my head.
I'm trying so hard.
When the sun taken down by the night each day, the darkness is heating my heart to evaporate all those hidden wounds. I could smell pain, I could taste how the lost is twisting over and over...
It just too heavy to carry on with these unwanted sadness. nobody reminds me about him but all the memories just appear naturally. While i was falling asleep talking over the phone i would still spit out our 'allien language' that we used to speak to each other. All my memories are with him, until when i have to bear the emptiness that he gave me?
I always thought i'm enjoying the liberated mind as i finally made up my mind to sweep all the love away. I thought i'd let them go. But why are they still deposit in some part of me?
I'm freak out each time realising might bump into him anytime at the place we used to go. Updown updown updown updown my heart beats uncontrollable.
I'm tired.
Keeping myself fully occupied until the eye lids gaining their weight to close the eyes, because the moments my mind is free it just fall into the hole filled with emptiness. I'm scared to be alone. I'm nervous to find any related objects or places or stories that can make me remember him. I'm running away from the feelings i dont even have to courage to face it.
Perhaps, keeping myself busy is one of the method that might could heal. I guess it is. I guess it's just the matter of time. I guess I'm ought to be glad that HE is there to fill my life with wonderful stories and hopes, who is there to hold me when i fall.
I guess i'm feeling better now.
I guess I will be alright.

Time will heal the broken heart, I believed.

Beautiful Garden in my heart

It's a brand new 2010 and today is my first day back to work again , after all the sleeping, writing, crying, wondering, christmass present, countdowning, clubbing in the past few weeks.

I feel so alive!!!

Especially the moment i found myself getting excited again in seeing someone special. I used to think it's imposible for me to fall for any guy again, as it was so painful and heart tearing to love someone who you would do everything as long as you could. The blood had drained dry after all.

All the stupid and funny imagination came into my mind while think the possibility of getting together with him. How i'm suppose to seduce him, how i'm suppose to test his sincerity, how i'm suppose to make him take the initiative.... Gosh! I was taking all the inviting jobs all this while! It was me asking him to fetch me to the club, I asked him for breakfast, I ASKED HIM TO HANG OUT SOMEWHERE!!! What's wrong with the flow here? How come I was so aggressive?

I think he's a nice guy. With clear defination of what he suppose and not.

I just see him differently this time, which I didnt observe when he appeared a year ago.

I've changed I guess.


Of course the worries of broke up side effects do cross my mind, I've been asking myself whether I'm just looking for a substitution for filling th blank in the corner of my heart, or falling in love because of emptiness? If so, what should be the so-called standard condition to be to fall in love PROPERLY? What's wrong if I like him because he is well planned with a great house to stay, a stable job and a stable mind?

I used to put the requirement like CHARMING, HUMOUROUS, HANDSOME, CONFIDENT and with a stable job that's all. But it's now looks stupid to me, because those are nothing if two of us do not have the same direction. A more mature relationship is needed.

I was thinking about him... wanted to let behind all the worries and see him as who he is. Life is short, I dun want to miss things that are beautiful.

My experience i n MyoGa

It's always the most happening place with lots of positive spirits.

There are few instructors or classes that binded me for attending as often as I could. Derek, who chaired the balance clinic class which also my first class the first time I step in MYOGA. A slim and tall guy, with a bit of some europe o australia accented english unleashed my interest to learn about his training. With his long fringe gracefully lying at one side of his face, he never fail to makes me admire his way of enjoy the musics and doing all the challenging moves while swinging his fringe from one side to another.

Energy room is the one I LOVE the most. This room, is like a haunted room. A place where the trainer will keep screaming shouting yelling along with the moves he/ she is showing us to do. U cant stop even if u cant follow, u cant stop even tired like hell, because each time they shout ur heart will tremble like a small kid hearing ghost's cry and immediately do whatever u can! Whenever I was down stair or next to it I easily can image there's a war inside and I wonder are they killing each other...

Cycling room is also one of my favorite. With the energetic trans music I finally found a substitution for the unhealthy clubbing hobby. If u ever listen to trans ( I bealieve u do, please.) how many beats in a second is equel to how many times I cycle. I imagine myself been turned into a desperate mad ostrich running like no tomorrow, running as I wish to run back to the past, to when I was a child hugging in my parents arms. At certain point, I always felt numb on my butt which I dunno what really happened to my body. I doubt the blood in my bloody is enough, because it forgot to supply to my butt when I'm so happily cycling.

After all the torture finally I can rest for 15 mins in the steam bath. It was an horrible place for me, the first time I enter. Dim light, with the air filled with tiny droplets of steam which u cant clearly see ur toe. Wet, togther with the sound effect " Drroops... " It's exactly like resting in the huge longkang tunnel, dark and with some unknown water dropping on ur face!

Ooo~ there's lots more to tell.... about the lady with mountains on her chest....

Take a break -- KIT KAT

For a reason KIT KAT keep appearing in my mind. I need a BREAK.... and I have no idea when is the time I wanna get up again to fight in the battle of relationship. Tired of pushing myself to strive for the choice I'd made as in most of the time I keep on telling myself he was the choice I made and I must must must must stick to it and spend all of my effort to make it works.

All sorts of philosophy from friends, christian, and even what I used to insist have no effect on my heart anymore. Many say we should not stick to our feeling only and believe what has been long time being with us is the most precious. Yes, I did believe and had enough in believing. How good was it? The minute I refer my diary, the more solid answer I had in my heart that I was, I am and I would not be happy being with him.

I admit that people do change now and then, just like how I feel about myself. Perfectionist who want to achieve at 100 marks, which is the same being his girl. Bear all the responsibility and role that a girl friend shuold and shouldnt do and I thought I'm proud of myself being a GOOd girl firend. Sarcastically, I never been the ONE in his heart. Facing him I'm totally no confidence and I cant even pick it up from the ground looking at it. I hate to being a brainless person with very less value in his heart. And now you say I'm very important to you when I wan to walk away?

I couldnt think of where to find the energy again to built the our castle... I shall leave it undone. I surrender, I give up!

I just want to be a happy girl without any attachment, any insulting words.

I do, yes, I do have a choice.

Burnig heart in ssilent nights

My heart never been feeling easy since I ran away from home. There's too much I think about and there's none could come to conclusion and not even to mention action. But a very direct and simple message emerged from my heart; that I hate myself so much for running away and cant do anything about it. Coward, irresposible, selfish.... great sense of guilt arouse me from time to time. My cry progressed to scream in my car that day, wondering how could my heart is so timid and empty and sad while my head was hanging in the clouds looking at my new car my career my lifestyle which all seemed perfect. I blame myself to let mom fighting the battle alone, and I even angry at her for requesting that small little tiny f'cking fifty bucks. She looked stupid doing all the act and making excuse just aiming the fifty bucks..... to give it to him! Him, a damn good son who was so king to excite his brother sister mother father neighbour in the middle of the night with a non stop heavy metal bar hitting concrete ground super bass new age music. I nearly jump out from the window to run away from this crazy HOME. Money money money money is allllllllll he want!

I pity him once and for few times I tried to understand why he becoming worse and worse. An abandon adult who being pissed off by his whole family, no one would listen to what he say, no one would answer him with sincerity, and we are not even have a glance of him. An imbalance emotion is totally understood, as there's no one like to feel being neglected and useless. He needs supports especially from the family to stand straight again in the society, at least get a job and see what he can gain from his talent and effort. A beautiful bubble, breaks !!! Hooray!!!

Live with it, Let it go, Solve it.... thinking of what should I do... quite disturb by those emotions when think of how he continuously forcing mom and ho mom also being his puppet to threathen dad for money all the tricks and dramatic scene could really compete with those Hong Kong drama Zhu Guong Bou Hei / Tong Sam Fung Bou.

Steel my heart not to sympathy mom for what she is doing, she is really really very super wrong, no matter what's the reason. Her love is blind for his son but didn't realize his torn is hurting us. I'm sad that she allow it. She breaks my heart. And I decided to break hers too.